Dear Mr. Rizal:
Congratulations on the recent successful attempt to quit smoking! As you well know, is a very difficult habit to kicks, especially for those who can barely walk or talk. Kudos to your mother, who staged a bit of an intervention with you and helped make it possible to enter the rehabilitation of Jakarta. (One of these days, you could find LiLo sitting next to you in your support group!)
It’s great that now you are always “play” and “run” and “color” as a “regular guy”. But keep in mind that it is never too early to start thinking and plan your future career aspirations.
Healthwise, we believe that you have made the right decision. But still, we thought that it looked pretty friggin’ cool in those videos where they were smoking. To us, you were channeling Bogey in The Maltese Falcon. (Politically incorrect? Hell, Yes. But true). And guitar? Forget it. Elvis wished he were half as cool as you. And we really want to praise on finger witness-twirling-like handling of cancer sticks and smoke rings (ex). Nice job for a child. Were quite the badass chain-smoking. No local inhabitant in their right mind would ever mess with the likes of you. Except, now that you’ve successfully quit smoking, people might think you’re a pansy health conscious and start making fun of you and I invite a quitter. All right. Just six potty-trained, you move to Los Angeles and get your own reality TV show, and the villagers stupid doesn’t matter a bit.
Not to bring up a delicate subject, but we have heard that you have earned a little weight (13 pounds??!) Since quitting smoking. Don’t worry. Happens. People tend to eat more, when you’re trying to close the smokes in an effort to keep occupied their hands and mouth. Totally normal. But just remember that the camera adds ten pounds, and be 13 pounds overweight in Los Angeles? That shit can fly in Bollywood, but not in Hollywood. (I know, I know, you are living in Indonesia, not India, but whatever, you get my point.) But again, not to worry: your agent, manager, publicist, personal trainer, private chef, stylist, personal assistant, various studio executives (and of course we) constantly recall the fact that you must delete the poundage. Don’t get me wrong. We believe that six adorable exactly like that you are. You only need a small multimedia training, that’s all. Oprah will be all this shit, and that’s just the beginning.
That is where we come from. Individual images imitators, Inc. is a family run business dedicated to search people around the world who make news for doing things really foolish or dangerous. Once we do, we are essentially kidnap people (now our client) from their regular lives and turn them into celebrity type sad, short-term media that makes us more money as possible, as quickly as possible, while stripping the client much dignity possible. Afterwards, those people return to their boring life (emotionally exhausted and probably failed) and III, Inc. set off to find the next sucker naïve with us we can think that we’re going to make a movie star rich and famous.
If this sounds like something you would be interested in (and, according to all decisions of sound that you have done everything your two-years and a half as a man-boy, we can only hope is), please contact us ASAP. You can call the toll-free number from a phone box and having someone of you lift up the handset. Or, if you prefer, because they are the only words that you really know how to say: “who the fuck has touched my cigs?,” feel free to have a family member or fellow villager talk to us on your behalf. Certainly they won’t steer you wrong. After all, are the ones that you connected on cancer sticks in the first place. And remember: if it would never become addicted to smoke, we would never have this Exchange potentially profitable now.
We look forward to hearing from you. (Only the change of time please keep in mind. Beauty sleep, you know.)
And please, for God’s sake, some pants.
Your friends imitators of individual image, Inc.
Hollywood, California, USA
